Aborisco
by monkeyCsaw
Summary: Sakura has never fancied herself a particularly pretty girl, but it turns out, there's worse things to be than ugly. Counting, always counting, her life passes in a blur of full plates and dull eyes. AU. (trigger warnings, this is a story about an eating disorder. and recovery. and life.) (NaNoWriMo)
1. Chapter 1

NaNoWriMo is underway and here is my product of it! I'm a tad late, but I'll catch up. Let me know what you think. All other projects _will_ be put on hold in lieu of this story, but come December, it's back to Fairy Tail and the works. Enjoy, and do please review!

**Note: The summary has trigger warnings for a reason. Sakura will suffer from an eating disorder, a pretty severe one. If you are triggered by these things, do not continue to read. There may also be self-harm. Again, do not proceed if you are triggered by these. If you or a loved one display symptoms of an ED or you know someone to self-harm, tell a trusted adult right away. They need help. Serious help. Don't be scared. It'll be okay. I'm always here to talk to. Also, please note that this is a highly realistic case. I have personal experience with eating disorders and treatment. So if you spot anything wrong or off, feel free to question it in your review or shoot me a PM, and I'll be glad to either explain or fix. Thank you!**

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><p><em><strong>Chapter 1<strong>_

Sakura woke up, pink hair tousled in a rather unattractive way, just seconds before her alarm went off. Squashing the button in one precise move, she yawned, pushing the covers back and sliding her feet to the cool, smooth floor. Shoving her toes into her slippers, she shuffled to her bathroom, attempting to rub sleep from her eyes at the same time she struggled to pull her robe on.

Once she had brushed her teeth and washed her face, she looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. Dark circles, the product of a long night spent studying and comforting Ino after a particularly difficult break up, simultaneously, hung under her usually bright green eyes. Her skin was sallow and pale and even her hair was a little oily and deflated. Her mouth tightened into a grim line and she began her beautifying process with vigor. Going to school like this just was _not_ going to cut it.

She combed her long hair gently before tying it up in what she hoped was an attractive messy bun. A few strands fell to frame her face and she brushed them away impatiently as she applied her make up; a little foundation, some concealer, and a dab of blush later, she looked almost human. Smiling at herself now, she applied a light layer of lip gloss before pulling on her uniform and skipping out of her room, bag in hand. The smell of toast wafted up to her and she hummed happily, practically dancing into the kitchen where her mother was slathering her breakfast with butter.

"Morning," she chirped. She made a beeline for the expensive coffee machine her mother had declared was a "necessity" just a few months ago.

"You must be exhausted," her mother said laughingly, handing her two pieces of toast.

Sakura nodded vigorously. "Oh, I'm dead. But if I act like I have energy, maybe I'll actually get some," she reasoned with what she knew was a sleep-deprived mind. Sakura was a smart girl; she knew that. But lack of sleep did funny things to her. She had learned this after she had, after a particularly eventful sleep over with Ino, proceeded to dust and organize her entire kitchen and then collapse into a six hour coma straight afterwards. She hadn't even managed to bid Ino good bye.

The coffee machine gave a cute little _ding_ and Sakura practically sang as she poured her delicious liquid-of-the-gods into her favorite travel mug. It was red and covered in pink sakura blossoms. It had been a gift from Sasuke for her birthday. It was beautiful, efficient, and so extraordinarily expensive, Sakura had almost refused. Until Sasuke shot her his most withering glare and she remembered that this was the boy who got a puppy for getting an A on his research paper the year before and wore only the most expensive ties to school. So yeah, he could afford to buy her a little trifle like a coffee mug.

Naruto's gift had been her favorite book, beautifully bound in a pale green and gold, no doubt paid for with two weeks of his ramen rations.

She smiled at the memories, kissing her mother good bye as she strolled out the door. Ino was waiting for her at the end of her walkway, as she did every morning.

"Morning," Ino sighed in a tired voice. Sakura observed her rumpled clothes and messy hair with sympathy. Ino wasn't as used to little sleep as Sakura was.

"Here," Sakura said, pulling a box of expensive chocolates from her bag and handing them to her blond friend. "There's still half the box left, and that much chocolate will murder my skin. Besides, you need them more."

Ino's smile was bright as a Christmas tree and Sakura smiled back, slinging an arm over her shoulders with a little difficulty, seeing as Ino was an inch or two taller than her now.

"Don't worry Ino-pig, it'll get better. It always does."

"You always know what to say, Forehead," her best friend murmured and Sakura laughed.

"Years of practice. Now c'mon, school doesn't wait for the broken hearted."

They chatted on their way to school, Ino marveling at Sakura's ability to look half-alive and Sakura marveling at Ino's ability to laugh as though everything were the same.

They'd dated for seven months. Ino's longest relationship to date, he'd been wealthy, handsome, and well-mannered. Ino's dream man in almost every respect. Luckily, he went to another school, so there were no awkward run ins at school to be expected.

By the time they could see the school, Ino had smoothed out the wrinkles in her uniform, brushed her long, enviably smooth blond hair out, and applied a little concealer, courtesy of Sakura of course.

"Shikamaru is going to be a smug bastard," Ino muttered as she applied chapstick, lips pouting out and perfectly plucked eyebrows drawn down.

Sakura smirked. "He's been betting on you guys breaking up for weeks now. You gotta admit, he's good at it."

Ino sighed a curse before straightening and lifting her chin. "Whatever, I'm not in the mood for him today."

And she marched forward, blowing past their friends with a breezy "good morning". Sakura sauntered up a bit more slowly, catching Shikamaru's eyes and shaking her head ever so subtly. He scowled but stayed in place and Sakura could see him resisting the urge to mutter a "troublesome" under his breath.

"Good morning, Hinata-chan," she said gently, smiling at her timid little friend, who blushed and whispered a quiet hello back. The source of her blushing became instantly identifiable when a tall blonde boy jumped forward, blue eyes blazing.

"Morning, Sakura-chan!" Naruto bellowed. Sakura winced and glared at him and he grinned unapologetically.

"Idiot," Sasuke growled. "It's too early to be yelling."

"Whatever, teme."

Sakura hid a smile and continued on her way into the school, planning to get some last minute studying done while she still could.

A few steps in, Sasuke was beside her and she hid another smile. He had no doubt guessed her intentions, as he always did. Naruto was sunshine and fun and her brother in all but blood, but it was Sasuke she had always been on the same wavelength with.

"You look like crap," Sasuke said bluntly as they drew near the lockers.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Sasuke, that's no way to speak to a lady, you should know that. Honestly, didn't your mother teach you _any_ manners?"

"Hn."

Another eye roll and a flick her wrist later, her shoes had been exchanged and they were on their way. It was silent for a few minutes before Sasuke spoke again.

"Ino and her boyfriend break up?"

Sakura hummed agreement and Sasuke huffed. "Why does she always keep you up until dawn when that happens? You have to sleep too."

"I was already up studying," Sakura pointed out, waving at Kiba and Shino as they passed.

"No excuse," Sasuke muttered and she smiled at his grumpiness that he used to mask his concern.

"I'm fine," she assured him, settling down in her seat and flipping her notebook open to her notes. Color coded and annotated, of course. She wasn't the top student in the school for nothing after all.

Sasuke, long used to her anal retentive note taking skills, said nothing, sliding into his seat beside her and taking the notebook so he could quiz her. It was a long established routine. He would give a definition or word, she would define or explain in a clear, confident voice, and he would continue on, without praise, but without criticizing.

As he searched for another concept to test her on, she placed her chin in her hand, watching the way his mouth subconsciously formed the words he was reading, the way his long dark lashes brushed his cheek bones when he blinked. She'd liked him as more than a friend since they were children. She couldn't remember a time she _hadn't_ liked him, honestly. But it had developed, from a silly little girl crush, to something more, something she didn't quite understand. As she got older, she'd stopped giving him valentines and started bringing him lunches instead. She'd quit chasing him on the playground and chased him in her fantasies instead. Even now, as she studied and prepared, half of her attention went to the way the barely there stubble on his chin made him look so much older, so much more mature.

"Sakura," his voice interrupted her doze and she started, blinking rapidly. "You were staring," he said, sounding slightly amused and she tried her best not to blush as she looked away.

"Sorry," she murmured. "The coffee hasn't quite cut in yet."

"You really shouldn't drink that stuff," he answered disapprovingly, frowning. She waved her hand at him, signaling him to continue, ignoring his mother hen routine as she took another sip of her coffee. The warmth curled in her stomach like a sleeping dragon and she nearly purred with satisfaction. Her brain was still fuzzy with lack of sleep, and her hair desperately needed a wash, but she was content. Sasuke was beside her, deep voice filling her where the coffee couldn't. Shikamaru was sleeping at his usual desk in the corner (when had he gotten there?) and Chouji munched on chips in the desk beside it.

Naruto was at his desk, studying furiously, and Hinata was also bent over her own purple notebook, lavender eyes absorbing the information with ease. Ino was in another class this year, something Sakura had been sad about. But at least she had Shino and Kiba. Not that they were much better company.

Their homeroom teacher, Kakashi, was late as always, giving Sakura an extra ten minutes to study. As she turned her head to ask Sasuke a question, a flash of red interrupted her and she had to suppress the urge to growl.

Karin was skinny, rich, loud, and bossy. Her perfectly manicured nails turned into claws when her victim least expected it and they were now gripping Sasuke's shoulder in what looked to be a painful hold. She'd "been in love" with the dark haired boy since middle school, when her family had moved to Konoha. Her father was a big-time investor, and Karin reaped the benefits of his success.

Her smile was feral as she cooed, "Sasuke-kun, you never respond to my texts. Why?" She pouted and Sakura almost giggled at the look in Sasuke's eyes. He practically screamed "kill me now". If there was one advantage to Karin's hopeless advances, it was Sasuke's hilarious and satisfying responses.

"I don't respond because you're annoying," Sasuke muttered through clenched teeth. Sakura hid her smile behind her hand at Karin's heartbroken expression.

Her red eyes landed on Sakura and the pink haired girl felt a chill run down her spine at how they positively _oozed_ anticipation. Karin's smile grew just a little sharper as her head tilted to the side.

"My, my, Sakura, you're looking especially hideous today."

Sakura scoffed. "Not as terrible as you, pea brain," she retorted calmly. She'd been dealing with Karin's jealousies since the middle school.

She wasn't prepared for what came next, however.

"Really, Sasuke, it doesn't look good for you to be hanging around someone so fat and untidy. Look at what a loser she is," Karin sniffed and Sakura's spine stiffened. Sasuke growled something unintelligible back and Karin sauntered off but Sakura couldn't take her eyes off the way the skirt swished around her thighs, too high and too revealing than what was proper for a girl their age.

_Fat_. She'd been called many things by Karin before. Loser, idiot, ugly, all of them. But fat, that had never been one. And she didn't like the way her throat closed and her stomach twisted at the thought. She wasn't _fat_. Sure, she wasn't model skinny, like Karin, but she wasn't _fat_. Right?

"Hey," Sasuke murmured and she turned to him, noticing how her hands had clenched into fists. He didn't need to ask the question out loud for Sakura to know he was concerned.

She smiled, too bright and too wide, before asking another question, trying to take her mind off the word that wouldn't stop burning her brain. _Fat_.

_Fat. Fat. Fat._

At lunch, she nibbled on her riceballs with as much anticipation as she could. They were her mother's special recipe, something she reserved for holidays and birthdays. But she also made them after a particularly difficult night of studying, and Sakura always smiled when she saw them in her bento.

She could tell that Sasuke knew she wasn't as cheery as she was pretending to be. Ino could tell too, could positively smell it on her. But she continued to act, laughing at jokes and rolling her eyes at Naruto's antics, smiling when Hinata summoned the courage to stutter something, huffing when Sasuke stole her tomatoes, as he always did. After ten minutes spent nibbling, she gave up on lunch, finding that she wasn't really hungry. Her stomach was still tied in knots from the confrontation with Karin earlier and as much as she tried to ignore it and move on, the gleam in Karin's eyes, positively predatory, remained.

She only had that gleam when she knew what she was saying would hurt. Because it was usually _true_.

_C'mon Sakura,_ she chided herself mentally. _She's just a stupid wanna-be Sasuke fangirl, leave it alone. You're not fat. You're not fat. I'm not fat_.

_Am I?_

Sakura rose suddenly, in the middle of the conversation. She waved off Ino's questions and Sasuke's piercing eyes, feigning nausea and hurrying to the nurse's, which was quiet and cool as always. She waved to Shizune, who manned the front desk, and rapped twice on Tsunade's door, entering when she was beckoned.

The older woman was remarkably well preserved. Her long blonde hair and hazel eyes, along with red lips and fair skin, ensured that the woman could have any suitor she so desired, if she dated. Tsunade was renowned in her field; her medical expertise had earned her a position teaching at a prestigious college, only a ten minute train ride from the high school. When she wasn't teaching, she was at the nurse's office, scolding kids for bleedings knees and headaches brought on by too little sleep and too much studying. When Sakura was twelve, she'd decided she wanted to be a doctor, and she had introduced herself to Tsunade on her first day of high school. She was an idol, someone to admire and follow religiously.

Tsunade had scoffed at her childlike naiveté but even so, they had become friends, apprentice and mentor. She allowed Sakura to help out during breaks and lunches and sports activities. And Sakura chatted to her about recent events, debated with her about politics, shared her hopes and dreams. Tsunade filled the role her often-absent mother hadn't been able to for quite some time. She listened.

"Anything you need me to do?" she asked without preamble. Tsunade stretched and Sakura listened to her bones creaking and popping.

"If you could reorganize the bandage cabinet, that would be great," Tsunade answered and Sakura nodded, setting off to do her work with zeal.

In all honesty, the bandage cabinet had been cleaned and organized the week before, but Tsunade knew. She saw the sweat gathering on Sakura's forehead, the tremble in her lip, the wideness of her eyes. Tsunade always saw.

Sakura fell into an easy rhythm, reveling in the stillness, the simplicity of the office. Here, it was quiet, uncomplicated, undisturbed at this time. Her task was set, she had only to move her hands. Her mind was miles away. She moved automatically, mechanically, and it was the tediousness of her job that set her at ease, the repetitiveness. It was brainless work, nothing that required thinking. And she needed a break from thinking.

The bell rang moments after she finished, and she grabbed her things quickly, bidding Tsunade a quick goodbye. Her mentor didn't ask and Sakura didn't offer any information. They simply understood and that's what she loved about Tsunade.

Back in class, she focused entirely on her quiz in history, on the notes in Japanese literature, and she was out the door before anyone else when the final bell sounded. She loved her friends, and usually she didn't mind their company, but for that day, she needed to be alone.

And she needed to check something.

When she got home, she called out to an empty house before jogging upstairs. In her bathroom, she stripped down to her underwear and stood on her mostly unused scale, trying not to hold her breath as she waited for the little green numbers to appear.

126 pounds.

Her heart fell through her stomach and although she tried to reason with herself (_that is a perfectly average weight, it's healthy, you should weigh that much_), she couldn't stop her head from spinning.

That night, she dreamed of red hair and green numbers and empty, spotless plates.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Well, this chapter should hold quite the shocker for you guys. Not a happy one, either. This story just keeps getting darker and darker...sorry 'bout that heh. Also, something I completely did not do last chapter! There was an inspiration for this story, and that was another story called One Less by AngelsMoonLight. Her story about Sakura suffering from an ED inspired me to write my own story and you should definitely go give it a read. Credit must be given where credit is due :) Now, on with the story!

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><p><em><strong>Chapter 2<strong>_

A few days later, when they got their test scores back, Sakura nearly threw her pencil across the room.

"I actually did better than you," Sasuke murmured, leaning over to see what she had gotten.

She grit her teeth and tried to tell herself to be reasonable, be calm, it was just _one_ test after all.

"Yeah, and by five points," she said, voice sounding remarkable even for someone who was internally screaming. So, not only was she fat, she was also stupid apparently? Fantastic.

"It's probably only because you didn't sleep very well the night before," Sasuke pointed out logically and Sakura nodded stiffly, sucking in another deep breath to calm herself.

_He's right, I didn't sleep well the night before. I still have a better grade in the class than him._

She ignored Naruto's cheers for having managed to _not_ fail and instead turned to Sasuke, pushing her mouth into a mechanical smile.

"Maybe your mom will make something special for you tonight," she said.

Sasuke nodded curtly, eyes gleaming at the prospect. "Do you want to come over if she does?"

Sakura smiled and nodded, running a hand through her hair as she did and trying desperately not to blush because c'mon this was Sasuke and she'd been to his house a million times and why should this time be any different? Besides, Mikoto-san made the most amazing dinners when she was celebrating anything.

"What about Naruto?" she asked faintly after a few seconds of recollecting Mikoto's most famous enterprises.

Sasuke groaned and she laughed. "Fine, we'll invite the idiot too," he muttered reluctantly. He wadded up a piece of blank paper and threw it at Naruto's head, who was currently pestering Chouji to give him some of his chips. Naruto turned, blue eyes narrowed and Sakura gestured to Hinata, choosing to ignore the yelling fest that was sure to happen soon. She'd known the boys since elementary school; she practically knew them better than they knew themselves.

"Hinata-chan, my mom said I could have a movie night with a couple of friends tomorrow night. Would you like to come?" she asked. Hinata smiled her beautiful, timid little smile, and she nodded, dark hair shaking as she did so.

"Y-yes, I would l-l-like that v-very much S-Sakura-chan," she said in her gentle voice and Sakura beamed.

"Great! I'll let Ino know. Any particular snacks you'd like to request?"

They began to chat about their favorite foods and dinners, trying to plan a meal that would agree with Ino's new diet but would also satisfy their hunger. After deciding that Ino could afford to imbibe a little every once in a while, Sakura agreed to have ice cream and Hinata offered a few boxes of amazing, foreign, outrageously expensive chocolates that her cousin had given her. She was in the middle of describing their taste – "It's heaven in your mouth, like angels singing" – when Sakura heard her name being called over the loudspeakers.

Shrugging, she stood, waving to her friends before exiting and walking to the office. Her shoes made a quiet scuffing sound against the clean floor. She wondered if her mother had forgotten her keys to the house again, or maybe she had a doctor's appointment she had forgotten about. Either way, she would be missing the student council meeting after school that day.

_I'll have to text Moegi to let her know what needs to be discussed. Maybe they can put me on speakerphone. I'll have to figure out a time to catch up on my paperwork. I hope Neji-taichou isn't too irritated with me – last time, he almost threw a folder at my face._

Her musings stopped, however, the moment she opened the door and found her mother there, staring at her with huge eyes and a pale, pale face.

"Sakura, sweetie," her mother whispered, hands reaching out for her daughter. Sakura remained still, bag swinging at her side, heart thudding. Her mother was only ever this upset about one thing. Or rather, one person. Which meant that this was _not_ going to be a good day.

"Mom?" she asked, sounding like a child as she took a cautious step into the office. "Mom, what's wrong?"

Sakura's mother was a strong woman. She'd been a single mother since Sakura was seven, when she had divorced her cheating husband, quit her job as a waitress, and applied for a job at a local software company. She'd risen up through the ranks quickly and was now vice president, earned enough money to sufficiently sustain both her, her daughter, and her sickly mother's hospital bills without any child support from her ex-husband. She didn't frighten easily and she definitely didn't look this alarmed for no small matter.

"Is it Grandma?" Sakura tried again when she received no response. Her mother shook her head and sucked in a deep breath.

"It's your father."

Sakura's spine stiffened and she scowled, hand tightening around the handle of her bag.

"Mom you know I –"

"He's dead. He's been in an accident. He's dead. I'm so sorry, Sakura."

Sakura stared uncomprehendingly at her mother for a few moments. She noticed the way her mother's pink hair had a few streaks of grey in it. She noticed the wrinkles in her suit and the stains on the carpet. And she saw the pitying look the secretary gave her, heard the hushed whispers she hadn't listened to before. And suddenly it clicked and her whole body went numb.

"He was on the phone and the man was drunk and oh, sweetie, I'm sorry." Her mother's voice was weak, muffled.

Sakura inhaled, exhaled, breathing in the smell of the office, of her shampoo, of her mother's desperation as her silence continued. _Dead_. A strange notion, a strange word to be brought up on a sunny day in February, on a normal day.

"Okay," she finally said, the word seeming to last an eternity.

Her mother stepped forward and Sakura stepped back, shoulders pressing against the door.

"Take me home," Sakura whispered. Her mother, Kako, nodded and opened the door slowly, looking half afraid that Sakura was going to collapse or run away at any second.

Sakura did neither. Instead, she climbed into the car and withstood the short, tense, silent ride home. She climbed the stairs with determined mechanical movements, undressed, pulled on sweats and a t-shirt, and climbed into bed. She stared at her ceiling, smooth and white and unadorned, and thought about the mark at the corner of her father's eye.

For a long time, she managed to focus on that, and the way his mouth quirked when he was trying not to laugh. Sasuke did the same thing.

After an hour, she lost it.

She was back in the dark closet, back to being six years old and all dressed up in her favorite red dress. She was little and still believed her father could single handedly save the world when he led her to the closet on Christmas Eve, under the pretense of letting her peek at her presents. She'd been staring, wide eyed, at the gift wrapped in green, when she felt his hand on her thigh.

Sakura didn't like thinking about what came next.

It happened plenty more times after that until her mom divorced him. And then he'd been far away, and she'd had the right to refuse to see him. And her mother, not completely understanding but willing nonetheless, had made sure she didn't have to see her father.

She'd never told anyone what happened. When she thought of it, she would shower in scalding hot water, trying to scrub his touch off her skin. And some mornings, she came to school with shadows under her eyes and coffee clutched in her hands like a weapon, eyes darting, shoulders tense, unable to sit near anyone for an extended period of time. There were nights she woke up, throat dry, because she could swear his dark eyes were watching her sleep from her window.

Sakura lay in her bed, struggling to breathe, for two days. She didn't move to eat or shower. Her mother's check-ins became hourly as she became increasingly worried that her daughter may have died. Sakura missed one day of school – seriously just one – and her phone was blown up. She eventually turned it off, throwing it somewhere under her bed before rolling over to take another nap. On Saturday, when the sun was casting long shadows in her room, there was a loud and insistent banging on her door that she _knew_ was not her mother because her mother had left for work an hour ago with the promise to call every ten minutes and she never knocked like that.

"Sa-ku-ra!" Ino practically bellowed. Said girl buried her hair beneath her pillow, groaning.

"Open up Forehead!"

"I-Ino, maybe we sh-should leave her a-alone," Hinata's quiet voice trembled and Sakura nearly smiled as she imagined her mustering the courage to interrupt Ino's rampage.

She could also imagine the impressive scowl Ino must be sporting.

"No way, she needs to get her ass out of bed and talk to us," Ino answered, voice raising an octave with each word to ensure Sakura could hear every syllable.

Sakura groaned again but the next words that came through the door made her freeze.

"The boys are waiting downstairs, so hurry up!"

Cursing herself in extremely creative ways, Sakura dragged herself out of bed and cracked the door open. Ino's glaring blue eyes filled the crack and Sakura nearly winced at their force.

"What is the matter with you? You can't answer your phone now?" Ino demanded.

Sakura's shoulders slumped and she shuffled back to bed, leaving the door open a crack as a clear invitation. Ino barged through with Hinata tailing in a much more genteel manner, closing the door behind her with a soft _click_.

"What happened?" Ino asked immediately, putting all subtleties and delicate beatings of the bush to the wind. That was Ino, nothing if not direct.

Sakura breathed in deeply, curling up under her covers as the words left her mouth without inflection. "My dad died."

There was complete silence for a full thirty seconds as her words sank in.

"Oh," Ino said, voice markedly lower and calmer.

"Oh," Hinata echoed.

"Oh," Sakura whispered, burying her head under her pillow.

It had been almost three days and she hadn't shed a tear. It had been almost three days and the most grief she had shown was in what she _hadn't_ shown.

But for some reason, the moment Ino scooted over and settled herself by Sakura's side, she burst into tears. Hinata lay her head in her lap and stroked her oily hair and Ino hugged her tight and Sakura cried more than she ever had in a long, long time.

Because her father was gone. And she wasn't sad about it.


	3. Chapter 3

While this is technically shorter than my first chapter, it feels super long for some reason. Working on making my chapters a lot longer though. Thank you so much for the reviews and support! I really appreciate it all! This chapter gets a little dark so _trigger warnings are applicable_. Please be safe and remember I love you. Thx little chicklings, till next time :)

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><p><em><strong>Chapter 3<strong>_

Half an hour, a quick shower, fresh clothes, and a dab of concealer later, Sakura was downstairs, being engulfed by Naruto's bear hug and patted on the shoulder by a quieter but no less concerned Sasuke.

"We thought you died!" Naruto informed her dramatically. She smiled weakly, collapsing on the couch. Sasuke settled down beside her, close enough that they were almost touching but far enough that she didn't feel crowded.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "My dad died and I was just going through some stuff."

Naruto's eyes softened and Sakura nearly started crying again when he crouched down in front of her and placed a hand on her head. His clear eyes were bright and he gave her his softest smile, brilliance undimmed.

"Cheer up, Sakura-chan. You'll feel better," he said gently. Sakura closed her eyes and smiled, enjoying the warmth of his hand on her head. They sat like that for a few moments before he moved, loudly proclaiming his need for ramen. Sasuke ordered some as well and after some good natured ribbing, Naruto was off to create his delicacy.

Sakura declined offers for food and they spent the rest of the afternoon and a good portion of the evening watching movies. She watched them joke and laugh and tease and _live_ and she felt something in her loosen. Her friends didn't quite understand, couldn't really, but they would always love her. She looked at Sasuke, smirking as Naruto enthusiastically attempted to draw a conversation about Ichiraku's out of Hinata. His dark eyes were bright and hard as ever, like a bird of prey, but his body was relaxed and his smirk had none of its sharp edges. Sakura smiled when he glanced her way and the corners of his mouth lowered ever so slightly, softening the smirk into a small, barely there smile.

Her heart skipped a beat, then two, maybe five, before she released the breath she didn't know she'd been holding and managed to blurt out the first thing that came to mind.

"What amazing dinner did I miss?"

"Nothing," Sasuke shrugged. "My mom didn't make anything since you couldn't come. I think your mom must have told her something because she forced me to bring you a bento when I came today."

Sakura smiled at the thought of Mikoto-san shoving a bento into Sasuke's hands, not telling him why and just pushing him out the door with motherly urgency. Yes, her mother had probably told the Uchiha matriarch, who always called to extend dinner invitations to Kako as well. Not that she ever accepted. Kako was a busy woman, with barely enough time for her daughter as it was.

"I'll have to thank her," Sakura murmured.

"She'd be overjoyed if you'd eat it," Sasuke remarked in what he probably thought was a nonchalant manner. But Sakura winced. Leave it Sasuke to notice her sunken cheeks after two days of not eating.

_It couldn't hurt, to have a little of the bento…_

A few minutes later, Sakura was chowing down, using all her strength to keep herself from shoveling food in her mouth in a very unladylike manner. Sasuke watched her with no small amount of satisfaction.

As she ate, Sakura berated herself. _No wonder you're so fat, if you eat like this all the time_. She vowed to start eating healthier and exercising more in that moment. Maybe it would also help her feel better. Ino was always singing the praises of dieting and exercising. Why shouldn't she give it a try?

The boys left around dinner time. Hinata and Ino stayed to help Sakura clean her room out a little. Her mother came home to the girls shrieking with laughter over their old yearbooks.

"Look at that smile, Forehead!"

"Your cheeks Ino-pig!"

Hinata tittered into her hand, pointing out ridiculous poses by the boys. They reminisced about old crushes, rivalries, and after a couple of hours, Sakura felt remarkably better. She greeted her mother with a hug and a smile that didn't feel forced for once.

Her friends always knew what to do.

On Monday, she returned to school, refreshed and ready to catch up. She cast thoughts of her father from her mind with determination. He was dead, and good-riddance. Now, she had only the funeral to get through and she could forget him and everything he had ever done to her.

* * *

><p>The funeral took place the next week. Sakura wore her least favorite black dress and a pair of black pumps. Her neck was adorned in pearls that were too nice for the occasion. When it was her turn to walk up the stairs and give her speech on how much she would miss him, her lips thinned into a straight line and she clenched her fists before opening her mouth and speaking in an even, unaffected tone.<p>

Her words brought tears to some of the more elderly people in attendance and there were still others who nodded along politely, murmuring assent when she listed his attributes, smiling when she related the story of how he dropped the cake on her fifth birthday. And then there was Sasuke, steady Sasuke, handsome in his suit, watching with an unreadable face. His father had been an old college friend of her father's.

Sakura finished her short speech, took her seat at her mother's side, and tuned out the rest of the speeches. They all said the same thing. What an incredible man he had been. What a shame it was, to die so young. How sorry they were, for his daughter. Of course, hardly any of them knew that she hadn't spoken with her father in years, never mind seen him. All the birthday and Christmas presents he'd sent had been thrown out except for one, the most recent Christmas gift, which she had sat and stared at for hours, wondering why he even _bothered_ anymore. It remained in her closet, unwrapped and untouched for months.

After the funeral, Kako and Sakura lingered, chatting with the Uchihas and accepting condolences from people who weren't sure where else to give them. Her father had no surviving family besides them.

After a little while of this, the Haruno women drove home, silently. Sakura undressed quickly with precise movements, throwing the dress in the hamper to be cleaned. Her pearls were laid carefully in her jewelry box and her shoes were tucked neatly in her closet.

She pulled out her homework, studying for her upcoming math test for an hour and finishing her science experiment write up. She called Ino and engaged in some girl-on-girl gossip for a little bit. She cleaned her room.

Everything was done with a sort of numb detachment. Her limbs moved mechanically while her mind was miles away.

When she was done, tired of feeling nothing, she took a long, hot bath, something that had always worked for her in the past. Sakura lit a candle, shaved her legs, and applied a face mask. When she got out, she rubbed good-smelling lotion into her skin with careful circular motions, focusing on her task, on the way her muscles relaxed beneath her fingers. Then she stood, allowing the towel to drop, and examined herself in the mirror. She saw, with unabashed honesty, the unnecessary flab on her stomach, the way her upper arms moved. She ran her fingers over her thighs, suddenly enormous in the bathroom light. Her chest was too flat and her collarbone was barely distinguishable. Her skin was too tan. Her teeth were too big. Her forehead, a gaping chasm that anybody would be stupid to call attractive.

All at once she felt it. Raw emotion tore through her body and she bit down a scream, eyes filling with hot tears.

"Worthless," she spat at her reflection in a hoarse whisper. "Ugly, filthy, fat piece of _nothing_."

She wrapped the towel around herself again, covering her body from her own horrified eyes. Dashing into her room, she tried not to sob too loudly as she rummaged through her desk, searching for an empty notebook. When she found it, a slim black, indiscreet thing, she dashed back to the bathroom, allowing the towel to drop again when she climbed into the scale. Breathing harshly now, as though she had run a marathon, she recorded her weight, the date and time in careful, neat handwriting despite the shaking of her hand.

Then she was back in her room, shoving the notebook under her pillow before tugging on sweats and a t-shirt, stuffing her feet into her running shoes, and bolting out the door. Sakura called a good bye to her mother, trying not to let her lack of control over herself bleed through her words.

She ran for half an hour, calves burning after ten, breath coming in ragged gasps after five. When she slowed, she forced herself to speed up. When the tears threatened to come, she forced them back, swallowing her pain and guilt and anger like the grown up she was.

Sakura returned home with a cleared head, heaving chest, and aching legs. She made sure to stretch and continued on to perform ten sit-ups and ten push-ups in the privacy of her room.

Then she climbed into bed and turned on her computer, ready to do some serious research on healthy weight loss methods.

_Healthy_, she repeated mentally. _I need to be healthier. If I was healthier, then I wouldn't have had that break down earlier._

She recorded her activity meticulously in her newly appointed "healthy living" diary. Then, like the good student she was, she took notes on different diets and training regimes, feeling herself calm down. This, she understood. Researching, finding a solution, making a pact with herself to try harder, this was all familiar territory. Nothing like the terrifying numbness from earlier.

After a couple hours, she was surprised to find it was already five in the evening. Groaning, she realized that her bath had been for nothing; she had sweat like a pig while she worked out.

She hopped in the shower for a quick scrub before making her way downstairs, suddenly ravenously hungry. She found her mother on the phone in the kitchen and she waited patiently for her to get off, choosing to rummage in the fridge for ingredients to make a cucumber salad, a recipe she had found in her research.

Sakura was cutting up the cucumbers when her mother hung up. There was a tense silence before her mother spoke.

"How do you feel?"

Sakura shrugged, keeping her eyes focused on her task. "Tired, honestly. I'll be glad when this is far behind me."

"If you ever need to talk…" her mother trailed off and Sakura could have laughed.

_I can go to you? You're never home._

"I'm fine, Mom, really," she said instead, keeping her voice steady.

"In that case, I have something to tell you," Kako said, her voice falling a little. Sakura tensed, anticipating what was coming. She put down her knife and turned toward her mother, who was leaning against the counter opposite her.

"What is it?" she asked.

Her mother suddenly looked very embarrassed.

"The company needs me at a meeting in Australia. It's going to last a couple of weeks."

Deep breath. In. Out. Repeat.

"When do you leave?"

"Monday."

Their dinner was eaten in silence. Sakura chewed on her cucumbers, the tangy dressing tasting like sand in her mouth. She avoided her mother's eyes, choosing instead to make out patterns in the wood grain of the table.

After she finished, she rinsed her plate off, dried it, and placed it back in its respective cupboard. She walked past her mother towards the stairs but was stopped by Kako taking her arm in her hands, gently. Always gently.

"Are you angry with me?" her mother asked, sounding like a child, and Sakura sighed, shoulders slumping.

"No, Mom, it's okay."

Her mother breathed a sigh of relief, allowing a small smile to grace her pretty features. "You'll be fine on your own?"

"It won't be the first time," Sakura answered, regretting the words as soon as they were out of her mouth.

"I know," her mother murmured, voice too tight. Her eyes, so like Sakura's, filled with tears. "I'm sorry that I leave you alone all the time, I just-"

"Mom, really, it's okay," Sakura interrupted her, smiling. "I understand, really. Don't worry about it, okay?"

Kako sniffled, pulling her daughter into a hug. "I'm your mom. It's my job to worry," she huffed and Sakura laughed.

"Bring me back a souvenir."

Upstairs, she threw herself on her bed, burying her face in her pillows as she contemplated the next couple of weeks without her mother home.

Her phone buzzed in the middle of her sulking and she nearly ignored it, guessing it to be Ino with homework questions or Naruto with the same. But when she checked the screen, it was Sasuke's name that popped up.

_Okay?_ The text read and she smiled, knowing exactly what he was talking about. The funeral felt like it had been years ago already.

_I'm okay_, she typed back, adding a smiley face for good measure. A few minutes later, her phone buzzed again.

_Good. My mom wants you to have dinner. My house, Wednesday after school?_

Another smile.

_Sounds good. Don't forget to invite Naruto_.

His response was a little bit faster this time.

_Don't remind me_.

She snorted. Typical Sasuke.

* * *

><p>Her mother left early in the morning, before Sakura left for school, when the sky was still dark and the birds were barely waking up.<p>

Sakura hummed a sleepy good-bye and gave her mom a sloppy wave, steaming coffee in her other hand, before retreating back to her room to get ready for her day. She could never go back to sleep once she had woken up so she spent her extra time studying and putting extra care into her hair, spraying it with heat protectant and taking the time to straighten it properly. It fell in thick waves around her face and down her back. She took her time on her make-up, repeating the same five math formulas over and over again in her head. Then she pulled out her planner and set to work writing up a schedule for the week. Sakura was an organized, punctual person, and this was reflected in her neat, color coded plans.

"I'll have to sacrifice some relaxation time for exercise now," she mumbled, gnawing on the end of her expensive mechanical pencil. A habit she had never seemed quite able to drop from her elementary school days.

When she looked up, she was surprised to see that it was almost time to leave. Placing the planner in her bag, she ran a cursory check of her homework and uniform, both as neat as ever. Then she walked out to meet Ino, as usual.

Her life went on.


	4. Chapter 4

Slowly but surely getting just a lil bit longer. Enjoy and thank you for the support so far! Don't be a lurker! Review pls!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 4<strong>_

On Wednesday, after school, Sakura walked happily between her two boys, laughing while they bickered over what was better, ramen or udon, Naruto obviously fighting hard for the former while Sasuke maintained that the latter was healthier and therefore better.

After ten minutes of this, Naruto, predictably, turned to Sakura.

"Ramen or udon, Sakura-chan?" he asked confidently, obviously positive she would side with him.

Sakura put a finger to her chin and tilted her head, humming a tune as she thought. Her hair swayed in the breeze and she took the moment to really look at her boys. Sasuke, tall and dark and strong. Naruto, bright and energetic and all laughing eyes. Polar opposites. Brothers.

"I like ramen for when I'm feeling like eating something easy," she replied finally. Naruto's face lit up, only to be dimmed when she continued. "But I prefer udon over ramen usually."

Sasuke's smirk was triumphant and Naruto's dramatic cries of betrayal were loud. Sakura grinned and hooked her arms with theirs, tossing her head.

"But neither compare to Mikoto-san's cooking, so let's hurry!" She tried not to think of how much effort eating would take once they got there. She hadn't eaten dinner in days.

The Uchiha apartment was a penthouse really. Modern, sleek, and elegant, Sakura remembered rainy days spent playing games and summer evenings helping Mikoto-san with dinner and dessert. Their kitchen was a favorite spot of hers. It was up-to-date with all the latest technology. Double door ovens, a huge refrigerator, and a microwave that practically thought for itself. Mikoto reigned supreme in the kitchen and it was thanks to her that Sakura knew how to cook at all, and consequently what kept her from starving during her mother's long business trips. While most families of the Uchiha's status preferred to have someone else, usually a skilled chef, cook for them, Mikoto refused, insisting that she would give her sons proper homemade meals.

Sakura and Naruto waltzed into the penthouse, taking proper care to remove their shoes and bow to Fugaku, who was on his way out. A former police chief, he now owned the biggest security business in the country. This also meant he was constantly busy.

Tailing him was Itachi, who bowed politely and gave them his polite, soft smile.

"Naruto, Sakura-san, it's been a while," he greeted them.

Sakura withheld a blush. Itachi Uchiha was suave, handsome, and intelligent, as seemed to be the blessings of the Uchiha family. She may have liked Sasuke for a long time now, but his brother always left her tongue tied.

The same went with any other girl he paid any interest to.

"Good to see ya, Itachi-nii-san," Naruto grinned, bounding past the elder Uchiha and making a beeline for the kitchen. Sasuke followed, intent on making sure his mother still had food to cook with after Naruto was done. This left Sakura alone. With Itachi Uchiha. Heir apparent to Uchiha Inc. Attractive, cool, collected Itachi Uchiha.

"I was very sorry to hear about your father," Itachi murmured after a beat.

Sakura smiled and brushed some hair out of her face, meeting his eyes timidly. "It's alright, Itachi-san. We weren't very close, anyhow, and I heard it was painless."

"Still, it must have hurt to lose someone that was once so dear to you."

She winced. "Yeah, it does," she nearly whispered. The next second, her chin was raised and she was putting on her best determined smile.

"But life moves on," she declared. "And I plan to move with it."

Itachi broke into a rare, genuine smile. "I'm glad to hear it, Sakura-san," he said, sounding truly happy. "Sasuke had mentioned that you were very upset and Mother was worried. She'll feel better after seeing you, no doubt."

"Ah, Mikoto-san worries too much. But I appreciate it, Itachi-san. I won't keep your father waiting. It was nice seeing you."

After a polite farewell, they parted, and she entered the kitchen, praying her blush was gone.

"What'd you guys talk about?" Sasuke asked, sounding desperately nonchalant as he flipped a page in a magazine.

"My dad," she answered and they left it at that.

When Mikoto came into the kitchen, she acted as though it had been years since she last saw Sakura.

"Oh, Sakura-chan, I'm so happy to see you," the dark haired woman gushed, squeezing Sakura in an affectionate hug that neither of her sons seemed to have inherited.

"We were worried sick," she continued, pouting in such a childish way that Sakura felt the urge to laugh.

"I'm sorry to have made you worry, Mikoto-san," she answered, patting her arm comfortingly. "As you can see, I'm fine now and ready to get to work." Again, she pushed away the thought of the preparing the food she was eventually going to have to eat. This was going to require hours of exercise to make up for the calories consumed. She always over ate at the Uchiha household dinners.

The boys were shooed to the living room to bicker over what movie to watch while Sakura helped Mikoto prepare *kare raisu, a personal favorite of the pinkette. There was something about the way Mikoto prepared the curry that just made it so flavorful and _delicious_. Sakura always took leftovers home.

They chatted about school and life, carefully avoiding the elephant in the room until Mikoto said, offhandedly, "Oh yes, I hope you liked that bento, Sakura-chan. Sasuke was so worried, wouldn't stop bugging me to make you something to eat. He thought you wouldn't be eating very well and Kako-chan's reports weren't very comforting."

"Sasuke-kun was worried about me?" Sakura asked, startled. _Outwardly?_ She added mentally. She was so surprised, the old honorific from their elementary school days slipped out. If Mikoto noticed, she didn't say a word.

"Sasuke? I've never seen him so concerned."

An image of Sasuke demanding his mother tell him what was wrong with Sakura rose in her mind and she nearly giggled.

"Well that must have been a sight to see," Sakura laughed. "Sasuke doesn't usually show when he's worried."

Mikoto's movements paused and Sakura turned to see the older woman looking at her seriously.

"We were all very sorry to hear the news, Sakura-chan," Mikoto said quietly, pressing a hand to Sakura's cheek. The motherly gesture surprised her and she tensed, unused to the contact.

"But you're a strong girl," the Uchiha matriarch continued. "I know you'll get through this." She smiled her sweet, sweet smile and returned to her task, leaving Sakura pleasantly bewildered – and happy.

The touch made her think of her mother, hundreds of miles away, an ocean separating them. And she blinked back tears as she wondered when the last time her mother had held her was, or had stroked her hair or sung her a lullaby. She hadn't time, since the divorce. And Sakura missed it. Missed her.

When dinner was finished, the boys were called in and the four of them sat down together. Fugaku and Itachi would no doubt be gone into the late hours of the night so they were sure to set aside some food for them.

Sakura made sure to exercise strict portion control. A dab of curry, a ball of rice, and plenty of water. No mixing. Mikoto noticed and chose to comment.

"Are you feeling alright, Sakura-chan? That's not a lot of food. There's plenty to go around," she said sweetly. Sasuke turned and noticed her plate, putting on an impressive scowl to show his disapproval.

Sakura froze for a second before choosing to laugh it off. _Play it cool. She'll be even more worried if she hears about my new eating regime._

"I'm going a little easy with the food after everything that happened. I've decided to eat a little healthier. And I had a big breakfast," she lied, smoothly and through her teeth. She'd had a cup of orange juice and an apple for breakfast. It was all she could seem to stomach these days. And for lunch, a tasty salad with minimal dressing. But she really didn't feel too hungry and she already felt a lot better, cleaner and more functional. She attributed it to the exercise and increased water intake, as well as her healthier eating choices.

"Are you sure?" Mikoto asked, pausing, hesitating, wondering if she should prod or let it be.

"Of course, Mikoto-san. I'm not very hungry and if I eat too much, I'll have a hard time sleeping."

Sasuke continued to scowl but no one raised any more protests. The conversation took a light turn, with Mikoto commenting on how Naruto's appetite seemed to increase, a feat previously thought impossible. The boy ate like he hadn't seen food for months. At every meal. Every day.

And he _never gained a pound._

Sakura watched him enviously, noting the way no extra fat hung off his lean frame. The same went for Sasuke, co-captain of the basketball team with his best friend. They were muscled, toned from hours of working out and eating right. Sakura vowed to be like that one day, with a flat stomach and shapely arms. _Not this fat, pathetic excuse for a human I am now_.

As they chatted, Sakura took small bites, trying not to think about the fat content in each bite. When she had finished, she stared at her empty plate ruefully, mentally calculating how long her jog should be when she got home. She was also going to be sure to remember to throw out all their soda, a treat she previously had saved for hard days at school or lazy weekends. But no more. Carbonated sugar would bloat her and definitely was _not_ healthy. Tea and coffee from here on out. With a healthy amount of water as well.

"Now, what should we have for dessert?" Mikoto asked cheerfully when they had all sat back, paying their compliments.

Sakura, in the middle of scolding Naruto for his horrid table manners, froze. Completely.

_Dammit, dessert, I forgot about dessert!_

Panic rose. Her throat closed and she could already taste the chocolate death on her tongue, could see herself buying new, bigger clothes to accommodate for her weight gain, could see her doctor shaking her head disapprovingly at her lifestyle choices. And Karin. Oh, she could hear Karin's whispers and outright insults, could see Sasuke looking at her, _really_ looking at her and curling his lip in disgust the way he did whenever he was greatly displeased. He would leave and Ino wouldn't want a fat girl as her best friend anymore and Sakura's life would _fall apart and this was just the beginning._

"Uh, actually, I have a lot of studying," she blurted. Three heads swiveled to stare at her. Sakura was all about etiquette and politeness. She didn't just _leave_ in the middle of a visit. Especially at the Uchiha household.

But here she was and she hoped she didn't look as desperate as she felt.

"I hope you're not studying too much, Sakura-chan," Mikoto finally said, voice carefully neutral.

Sakura laughed, voice too high pitched and breathy to be considered normal. She sucked in a breath, hoping to calm her beating heart.

"Mikoto-san, don't worry, I've just fallen a little behind is all. I was very tired yesterday. I have some catching up to do. You can send some of the leftover dessert with Sasuke tomorrow and I'll eat it at home," she said in a much calmer voice. The tension eased.

"Are you sure, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked, sounding bemused and looking greatly concerned. She could have cried at his sensitivity to her needs.

"Of course," she laughed, waving her hand and standing. "Thank you so much for dinner, Mikoto-san." She bowed, deep and low, praying the Uchiha woman would let her go without further questioning.

"Sasuke, why don't you walk her home. Naruto can help me clean up," Mikoto said after a moment's hesitance. Sakura released her breath. She was safe.

A few minutes later, she called a last goodbye before exiting the penthouse and making her way to the elevator. Sasuke was at her side, silent, and she could _feel_ the disapproval emanating from him.

He made it outside and about three yards from the complex before he spoke.

"Is something going on? Besides your dad?" he asked.

Sakura's breath hitched. She knew Sasuke well enough to read him and right then he sounded so concerned. And a little angry.

"I'm fine, really," she answered, hoping she sounded light hearted. "It's been hard but I can manage it."

A pause. Their footsteps were loud in the quiet of the empty street.

"Are you sure?"

Suddenly she was tired. She was tired of the questions and the concern and the pity and attempted empathy. She was tired of her mother being gone and Sasuke having the emotional capacity of a plastic bag. She was tired of eating. She was tired of life. She thought longingly of her bed at home, her warm comfortable bed that didn't ask questions and didn't try to shove food down her throat.

Outwardly, she pat Sasuke's arm reassuringly.

"If something were wrong, I would tell you. I promise."

He looked at her for a moment and she felt the blood rush to her face. He really was too handsome for his own good, especially with the streetlight outlining his hair, drawing sharp angles and shadows on his face that made him seem otherworldly.

Sasuke stared at her before nodding and she smiled. He had accepted it, her blatant lie. A part of her felt guilty for it but mostly, she was exhilarated. She'd gotten away with a lot that night.

"You know we care about you, right?" he asked.

_Ah jeez, when is he going to be done?_

"Of course, Sasuke-kun" she replied teasingly.

He didn't respond to her teasing, choosing instead to stop and look her in the eye. Her breath caught. Damn him and his dark, dark eyes.

"I care about you," he said, quietly, solemnly, like he was pledging his life to her.

It almost felt like he was doing just that.

Her heart began to beat and the warm air suddenly seemed too thick and moist for her. Here was this boy, her Sasuke, who she liked and cared for so much it hurt, telling her he _cared_ about her. Specifically himself. Being completely serious and honest. She wondered if there was something in the spring air or a flu going around that was making him act like this.

_Why? I'm not someone worth caring about. What is he talking about?_

"Sasuke…"

"And I know you're probably going to say something like 'oh I knew that' but Sakura, I just want to make sure you remember. So please, never forget that."

His voice caught at the end and he looked away, for which she was grateful. She didn't know how to handle it, handle this vulnerable, honest Sasuke who so rarely opened up to anyone. Including her.

Then she smiled, gave him a light shove, and said, "I won't forget. I promise."

And he smiled.

* * *

><p>The next day, after extracting a promise that she would eat some of them at least, he gave her the leftover chocolate chip fudge brownies.<p>

When she got home, she stared at them for a minute before dumping them all in the trash. Then she grabbed her headphones and water bottle and went for a run.

She didn't come back for another hour and a half.

* * *

><p>*kare raisu- a curry and rice dish that is not native to Japan but has been there for over a hundred years. Found via google, my longtime and devoted friend. Curry is yummy people, eat and enjoy!<p> 


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